Becoming a mother awakens you to a love that is only understood by fellow mothers. I dreamed of being a mother for so many years…but I never imagined I would love it- love Indy- the way I do. I adore every little piece of her. I love spending all my days with her.
Transitioning into motherhood however, has been somewhat challenging. For some women the transition is a smooth one, enjoying every snuggle and soaking up every moment with that precious newborn. For others it can be a struggle. A struggle to step into those big shoes we have to fill. A struggle to give yourself entirely to that amazing being that is counting on you. A struggle to let go of your old life and welcome a new life. This new role challenges our mental, emotional, and physical bodies to their maximum capacity. It is easy to become overwhelmed and exhausted. At times we doubt our abilities, experience feelings of guilt, and sometimes feelings of failure. Assuming this new role as mama is not an easy task. But if it doesn’t stretch you, it doesn’t change you, and maybe that is the point.
I have had so many years of Terah. Years to see the world, perfect my marriage, find myself, and sincerely find God. Years to move about this life freely, and make a pretty good dent in my bucket list. My years have been FULL. I sometimes worried that I might have a difficult time giving up my care-free life when I finally got the chance to have a baby. I wondered how B & I would maintain a life of adventure and travel. I wondered how I would be able to snowboard, go to yoga classes, and go camping those summer weekends on a whim. While I have not figured out exactly how to do those things, I have figured out that those things are not what matter. Indy is what matters. Being a good mother for her has taken precedence in my life, and I am happy to make the sacrifice.
There are still those few days that I cry because I feel that the “old” Terah no longer exists. Other days I feel just like the old me, with this perfect little addition at my side. Becoming a new mother forces you to say goodbye to pieces of your prior life, but in it’s place you get many more beautiful pieces of this new mama life. It doesn’t necessarily make saying goodbye easy, but when I think about how much (or how little) I am going to be able to snowboard this season, or how few yoga classes I have been to in the past 6 months, the sense of loss gets over-written by the sense of joy I feel from being a mother. Indy fills my cup to the tip-top. Some days are bliss and some days are hard. What I have learned as I try to discover a new version of me, is that there is so much more to me. I have such a higher purpose. I am capable of so much more than I knew. I am learning how to live selflessly- and it feels good. After all, “You must lose yourself to find yourself”(Gordon B. Hinckley). I will not give up Terah. No, I am still me. I still dance in the living room to my favorite songs of the day. I still crave adventure and seek it as often as possible. I still require mountain air and getting lost in nature at regular intervals. I still do yoga, even if it’s in my bedroom instead of a studio. I am still me- but I am a better version of me. And I have this adorable little sidekick to do all these things with me. Life is different. But it is so very good. We are still adjusting and it will take time, but I wouldn’t trade this motherhood gig for the world. Life has truly never been so meaningful. What was once about having fun and tackling the next big adventure, is now about giving that opportunity to Indy. Letting go of pieces of myself in order to provide the best life possible for her. The reward will be so very great… and I’m pretty sure we will still have lots of fun.